Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst. -Bryant H. McGill (1969-) Editor and author whose works are used by over one hundred thousand writers, educators, aspiring writers, students and song-writers.
Try and think about the last time you were overrun by your emotions in a situation…how did you handle it? Was the result a calm, cool and collected positive result? Did you clearly convey your thoughts? Did you get your point across without leaving a wake of beaten and battered friends, family or colleagues?
You see emotion or simply our ability to feel is exactly what makes us unique and perhaps top of the food chain. Yet like any strength it also serves as our greatest weakness! Basically, it seems apparent that there is a direct connection between our emotional epicenter and our reaction mechanism lead by our mouths and our words; and of course it’s along that very assembly line where we humans just seem to make a big mess!
It would appear that figuring out what goes wrong is really very basic. I happen to think that it all comes down to some basic fears. Take a relationship for example…any one that is…spouses, business partners or friends! What always seems to be at the root of any problem? Is it really about the disagreement itself or is it the fear of embarrassment…the fear of losing something that leaves us on an island of insecurity!
As I’ve said, it appears a rudimentary explanation but why does it have to be any more than just that? You see most people just want to be loved and included…I know it sounds like I’m about to give advice about love…and yes…I am! When we feel isolated and threatened by the loss of close relationships think about how we feel…isn’t that usually when the alarm begins to sound? Hey captain…our friends seem to be jumping ship…call up the emotion engine and drive full speed ahead!
Can’t you just feel it as I’m saying this? The nerve endings in the belly have that sinking feeling…despair starts to emerge as we picture being banished from the other person’s love and tlc! And it’s right at that moment when our emotions seem to be pushing us off the cliff; and of course it’s in different ways for all of us. How about the new kid in school who gets ridiculed for simply being new…what path does he slip onto? For most, I bet it’s one of severe pain…and don’t just blow this off with your thoughts of “hey the kid should just suck it up…that’s life”! That’s garbage and a simple way to rationalize something that’s not right!
You think I’m wrong? Consider why a couple of teenagers would gather a massive arsenal and go on an emotionally out of control rampage killing all those who had ridiculed and isolated them! How about the massive amounts of young children and many adults who take their own lives in a moment of emotional breakdown because they see no other possible way to terminate the mound of pain heaped upon them?
So like any system breakdown we have to go back and look at where this assembly line is broken. Certainly we’re not going to get the world to suddenly become a kinder, gentler place! We have had disagreements since our creation. We are also wired to survive like any animal and in this day and age that includes the degradation and beat down of others so that we can raise our stature and evolve faster than the pack!
But there is something that we can do that is obvious and that is to continue to evolve our emotions. I know this will conjure up arguments of “easier said than done” but it certainly is the only way. The discussion of emotional IQ is discussed now more than ever and the argument goes even further to challenge the true value of a high scholastic IQ in the absence of an equally high emotional IQ!
So how can you improve these skills?…easy…start to take an inventory of how you react to situations. Listen to the words you use to articulate your feelings…are they truthful or are your displaying a sense of bravado just to protect yourself from embarrassment? Are the words of hurt and destruction so that you can grow by verbally crushing others and standing on top of their destructed self images? This opportunity exists in any relationship, personal, business or otherwise. The obvious skill of the high emotional IQ types is a sense of calm in the midst of crisis. They are the ones usually doing most of the listening. They are the ones who are much slower to react. They are the ones who choose their words more carefully and seem to have a command over their native tongues so as to use the most appropriate words to express more precisely how they feel.
However, beyond the listening and word choice skills, it’s very necessary to understand that the majority of people are much more fragile than you think they are! Emotional overreactions and words can be deadly to the self esteem! What may be harmless to some, can be lethal to others, so take the time to assess the other person’s point of view and consider that they may be processing the same information in a very different way than you would!
However, ultimately, the most important element in elevating your emotional IQ is the development of a strong sense of humility. I believe the true essence of this word is the focus we need to have on other people and their needs. There is no question that charity is one of the greatest virtues and something most of us love to rally around. So why not look for that type of opportunity everyday! So consider this thinking tool in parts: 1. Just slow down and don’t get so overly attached to the end result. 2. Listen a lot more than you run your ungoverned mouth. 3. Stay focused on what you can do to get somebody what they want without sacrificing your own self preservation. I just bet you’ll see a dramatic increase in your emotional IQ and you’ll stop pressing the emotional panic button all the time!
Award winning real estate broker, coach and father of five, Danny Griffin has learned that wisdom is both simple and accessible for all. Get your dose of simple wisdom at http://freethinkingtools.com
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